SING FOR ME
Dear Monica,
I write this letter in my poor way in the hope that it may reach you afterwards ... I have to tell you why I take my life in order that you will understand, and rejoice in my release from torment in my mind and body.
I know you will remember, when we were both little and had been naughty, that mother would scold us and frighten us by threatening to take us to Khanbalik to the evil Saracen, Lord Achmet, who, she promised, would whip us alive and throw us into a dungeon in the Forbidden City, there to be forgotten for the rest of our lives. We promised to be good girls, you and I, because mother frightened us so much. And then one day we thought he really had come to take us away when he came with his soldiers to our humble village. We ran away and hid while his retinue rode through the village and I had nightmares for weeks afterwards, always dreaming that he turned around and came back for us, and no matter where we hid, he found us and carried us off, one under each arm, screaming. Horrible! I have never forgotten that nightmare, and now I never will.
And then, as we grew up, we heard rumours that were even more terrifying - of how the Great Khan, in his eternal gratitude to Achmet for his shrewd assistance in running the empire, would give Achmet the pick of the tribute concubines that he discarded and what evil things Achmet did to them during the night. Some of them, it was said, went mad, and others never came out of his bedroom alive. But his insatiable lust had to be satisfied and the mighty Khan turned a blind eye.
Although life was hard in our village, we grew up happy, never knowing that my father, after the Sung were defeated, was meeting with other men and planning to rebel against the Mongol overlords. He should have known that no-one can defeat the power of Kublai Khan and his evil Regent, Lord Achmet. Our overlords take all our grain and leave nothing for us, and we are so poor.
It was just a matter of time until The Great Khan learned of the Chinese plot to free the people and he ordered his fierce soldiers to attack our village to pillage and plunder and maim and kill. They came while you were away with the Lord Marco. I tried to hide, in terror of my life, but they set fire to our house and I was forced to run out and a smelly, greasy Mongol rider caught me, scooped me up in his arm and dumped me, screaming, across his saddle, and I rode back to Khanbalik like that, sure that every moment would be my last. I was not the only girl taken, but I was the one Lord Achmet wanted.
They took me to the Khan's harem in the Forbidden City, along with the other girls that had been taken. The prettiest were chosen for the great Khan, but the rest of us were sent to Lord Achmet's palace in the Old City. There, the Matron of the Concubines took us into a room and ordered us to strip. She then told us to lie down and examined us to ensure we were all virgins. If it was proved that anyone was not a virgin, she was led away. Those remaining were then prepared for The Choosing. We were bathed in scented waters and then given rich robes to wear. When the time came the Lord's Major Domo led us into the room, there to await his arrival. I sat on the floor, with downcast eye, until suddenly, with a swish of Imperial silk, he arrived. He said something in Mongol to the Major Domo, then, speaking in Chinese, he asked: "Are these the Ladies in Waiting? They have been waiting too long."
I saw his boots as he approached but I could not look up. I was shaking with terror, sure, so sure, that he would choose me and praying that he would not. He walked round us, looking at us all, and stood behind me. Suddenly his brown hand reached out to touch my chin. I jumped with fright but, with his touching me, I was the chosen one. All the other concubines were ushered out and I was left alone with him. I could feel his eyes on me and he sat down on the carpet beside me. I still could not look at him and I turned away, not looking, but he asked me to sing for him. I tried, but I started to cry and he took my hand, rubbing it against his beard and saying "Don't be afraid to touch me."
He seemed to be gentle as he led me into the bedroom. There were lamps everywhere and it was very bright. He lifted my chin and made me look at him. He was tall, much taller than a Mongol or Chinese and he had strange eyes. It was then that I saw the bedroom walls. They were covered in paintings - disgusting, erotic paintings - of men and women entwined. He saw me looking and laughed softly. "Mai-Li, come see my works of art. Which one shall it be for you? This one? Or maybe this? You choose, Mai-Li, you choose ..."
I tried to run away but he gripped my wrists so tightly he hurt me. "No, Mai-Li, there will be no escape - for you, or your poetic father. For him, though, there will be a different fate." With shaking hands he undid the fastenings of my robes and they fell away. There was nowhere to hide and I felt I would die of humiliation. He looked at me. Although my eyes were downcast I could see my nakedness had inflamed him. He was breathing quickly as he pressed hard against me, pushing me back onto the bed. "Frightened, Mai-Li?" His grunting laugh was terrible as he pinned me down. "I won't hurt you - much." and then he ...Aie! I screamed with the pain and he laughed evilly. That was just the start, it went on all night, the torture, so many different times, so many different ways... I cannot tell you the terrible things he did to me, or made me do, to satisfy his lust. I thought it would never end, and prayed for death or deliverance. And then, I know not when, the Major Domo came calling for him "My Lord Achmet, my Lord Achmet!" With a grunt of anger he stopped what he was doing and left me alone.
So now you see, Monica, why I can live no longer. I had hoped until the last moment that our father and Ch'ien-hu might rescue me and kill Achmet, as they had planned, but it was not to be. I could not endure that torture again, and I could never give birth to the Saracen spawn he planted in me tonight, so many times.
I am secreting this letter on my person, knowing that friends will attend to my body after death. I must do it quickly, before he comes back ...
---oo0oo---