STAR TREK III - THE SEARCH FOR SPOCK, 1984
INTEGRATION
First Prize Winner, 'Frontiers' Convention, May 1990
Kirk stood, watching but not listening, as Spock took leave of his father. He saw them salute one another and then, as though turning his back on an old life and walking uncertainly into a new existence, Spock walked towards him with a hesitant, rolling gait. Hesitant, that is, only until he reached Kirk then, their eyes meeting in unspoken understanding, they walked together, in step, out of the Council Chamber as Sarek watched them go.
Although the corridors were thronging with people of all races, they all gave way to the human and the Vulcan walking rapidly in their midst. Kirk could just hear whispers behind them "Kirk and Spock - it's Kirk and Spock ... he's been demoted ..." Unheeding, uncaring, they walked together, unspeaking, down the long corridors, two sets of footsteps sounding as one, in harmony.
The word 'harmony' sprung to Kirk's mind as they walked. Were they in harmony again, at last? Kirk wondered. He glanced sidelong at his Vulcan friend, whose eyes were focused on the exist to the building they were fast approaching through the foyer. No, Kirk decided, Spock was still not in harmony with him, not the harmony that had existed during the five-year mission, but never since then, never since his promotion to Admiral and Spock's sudden return to Vulcan, leaving him alone, so terribly alone, with his new status and new, increasingly frustrating, job.
As they crossed the foyer the female voice of the PA system called "Captain Kirk! Captain Kirk! Captain Kirk to Reception, please! Spock waited as he went over to the Reception Desk, where the young Ensign handed him a note which read "Report to Admiral Noguchi at 0800 tomorrow morning for posting orders."
"Damn!" thought Kirk - "No time to go home for a rest, must stay at HQ overnight." Kirk walked back over to Spock, showed him the note, and Spock nodded in silent acknowledgement.
At last they emerged from Starfleet Headquarters into the afternoon sunlight of a San Francisco day to find the rest of his friends waiting for them. Bones, Scotty, Uhura, Sulu and Chekov, all standing, smiles of relief and happiness on their faces. Suddenly they were all around him, shaking his hand, patting him on the shoulder, all speaking at once.
"Congratulations, Jim-boy, ah always knew it'd turn out fine ..."
"Ach, we'll all havetae go furra wee celebration, Captain ..."
"Welcome back, Captain, - shall I open hailing frequencies?"
"I am werry pleased, Keptin!"
And Sulu was laughing.
Kirk's eyes scanned the milling crowd, and he felt a stab of disappointment when he saw that Gillian was not there. Mark that one up to experience, he thought wryly.
Spock stood apart from the happy throng, hands behind his back, observing, still not feeling quite a part of the group. His brow was furrowed, his lips pursed. Remember! Why could he not remember?
Kirk raised his head and saw Spock standing alone. He did not need to speak, just the look alone drew Spock to him. "C'mon, Spock, let's do what Scotty suggested and let our hair down."
"Let our what ...?" Spock could not believe what he had just heard as he glanced at his Captain's head, mental images flashing across his brain.
Kirk laughed easily. Could Spock be getting his sense of humour back? "I mean, let's go for a drink."
"Oh. But I am impervious to the effects of alcohol, Captain." the Vulcan protested as he tagged along.
"Oh, maybe we can find you something to make you relax, Mistur Spock!" said Scotty, thumping the unprepared Vulcan on the back. Looks like he's already been celebrating, thought Kirk, observing the slight bulge of a hip flask under Scotty's uniform jacket. Spock merely looked disdainfully at his friendly assailant and walked on beside his Captain.
"Captain, I wonder if that little restaurant we saw in Chinatown in 1986 is still there?" suggested Sulu, who suddenly recalled seeing a girl who was doing her level best to attract attention - any male's attention.
"Good idea, Sulu, I certainly could cater to the inner man just now!" said Kirk, patting his stomach. "How about the rest of you?" They all nodded or spoke their approval, except Spock, who followed silently.
They found a Bay Area maglev station and piled into the train, paying their credits as they entered. This time they did not get thrown off the bus for not having change, and the background music was harmonious and restful, not the wild and raucous noise being emitted from the receiver of a punk rocker, Spock recalled with distaste. Lucky he remembered how to do the Pinch, he thought. Solved the problem to everyone's satisfaction, and the punk would only wake up with the same headache he'd given everyone else on the bus. As Spock recalled the incident, he heard again the Captain saying "Jim! You used to call me Jim, remember?" He could not remember ... he could not remember! Ahhh!
Downtown San Francisco was bustling with businessmen going home for the day.
They didn't find Sulu's restaurant, but did unanimously settle on a well-heeled Japanese suchi restaurant. They ordered saki and meals to their various tastes, whilst Spock munched meagrely at their vegetarian menu.
The saki was passed liberally around, and the company of friends grew more and more relaxed, their inhibitions forgotten as the drink took effect. They recalled previous exploits, laughing at the outcome. Kirk, however, drank only in moderation, always conscious of his status and responsibilities. Spock sat, straight-backed and disapproving, as his human colleagues let their conversation become more and more bawdy.
McCoy, ready now to indulge in his favourite pastime of Spock-baiting, saw his chance. "Come oooon, Spocko, lighten up, will ya?"
"I regret, Doctor, that the critical illumination in this establishment precludes that exigency." Spock explained, patiently.
Kirk sighed. Here we go again, he thought.
McCoy's blue eyes flashed. Waving the glass of saki under Spock's nose, he continued remorselessly. "I mean smile, relax, join in the conversation. Now that we're off duty, maybe we can more fully discuss your impressions and recollections about death."
Suddenly Spock's sallow complexion did change colour as he blanched visibly. He stood up quickly, jerkily, his chair falling behind him. "Excuse me Captain, lady and gentlemen." and he stalked, straight-backed, out of the restaurant.
"Now look at what you've done, Bones." admonished Kirk. He didn't like the look on Spock's face as he left. With a hurried "You stay till you're finished - I'll speak to him." he quickly paid the autoteller for his and Spock's food and followed the retreating form of his Vulcan friend out of the restaurant.
Kirk had to hurry to catch up and match Spock's rapid strides. "Spock - tell me - what's the matter?"
"I do not wish to discuss it, Captain." Kirk felt an icy barrier between them - a feeling all too familiar for a long time now. He gasped in exasperation. How on earth (or the galaxy) could he get through to Spock? They walked in silence towards the maglev station. The train whisked them across the Bay, back to Starfleet Headquarters, the twinkling lights of San Francisco holding no pleasure for either of them.
They checked in to the officers' accommodation, Kirk noticing the marked difference in facilities between an Admiral's and a Captain's room. Have to get a Captain's uniform tomorrow, thought Kirk as they walked together, still in silence, to their neighbouring rooms. As Kirk palmed the room ID he said to Spock, who was heading for his own room, "Care to come in for a moment, Spock?"
"I would rather not, if you do not mind, Captain. There is something - I must attend to." His tone was formal, and again Kirk felt an incredible distance had formed between them. He felt an unwelcome pang of fear as he was conscious, for the first time virtually since they had met all these years ago, that Spock was an alien.
Kirk realised he could not make Spock come in - ordering him would just compound the barrier. "As you wish - good night, Spock." He closed the door softly behind him and leaned against it for a moment. What had made Spock jump like a scalded cat when McCoy mentioned his death? Did he not want to be reminded of what had happened? Or could he not remember? Was that it? There was nothing he could do, Spock had to find his own answers. Maybe he would never attain total recall, but maybe that was better than living with the memory of his own death. Kirk decided to have an early night, undressed and lay on the bed, worrying about the future. What kind of dilapidated garbage scow would they give him to fly? Would it be the Earth-Moon Shuttle or, worse still, the Earth-Jupiter run? Would Spock come with him?
---oo0oo---
In the room next door, Spock paced. Remember! Remember! Must remember! Cannot remember! Images, shapes, half-recalled phrases echoing through the recesses of his mind - "The needs of the many ..."; "I am a Vulcan - I have no ego to bruise." Meditate - try to think back - the thing which I seek - lies behind the closed door of my memory. But even in the depths of meditation, Spock came up against a cold, dark barrier.
---oo0oo---
Kirk was suddenly awake. Someone was in the room, darker than the darkest shadow. "Spock? Is that you?" The tall, dark figure moved silently towards him, the whites of his eyes flashing, his dark eyes staring. Spock stopped in mid-stride and cocked his head as if listening to inner voices, and again Kirk felt Spock's total alienness wash over him like a cold shower. Kirk made to turn on the light, but Spock's deep voice cut across his action. "No! No lights!"
"What is the matter, Spock?" asked Kirk as he rose and donned his dressing gown.
"Must - talk." Spock's voice was strained and husky.
Kirk motioned him to sit in a nearby chair, and Kirk pulled up another, facing Spock, with a coffee table separating them. Spock sat, arms on knees, his long fingers steepled, head bowed, unable to look Kirk in the eye. Kirk was very aware of Spock's inner turbulence and waited until the Vulcan spoke.
"I regret, Captain, I am unable to remember our friendship." A note of desperation entered Spock's voice.
"If by that you mean that you do not feel obliged to accompany me on further missions, then I quite understand." Kirk felt the barrier between them was creeping into the way he spoke now, too. "After all," he continued quickly, "you are a Starfleet Captain - you have your career to follow."
Spock suddenly raised his head and looked Kirk straight in the eye. From somewhere deep inside him the memory of a phrase sprang into his mind. "I have been, and always shall be, yours."
Kirk gasped at hearing the familiar phrase again. "But you remember saying that, Spock!"
"I remember saying so, but I do not recall why I said it!" Spock leaned forward once more, his big hands clasped tightly in an attempt to control them from shaking.
"Spock, why did you react so violently when McCoy asked you about your death?"
"I cannot discuss it because I cannot recall it. I have a - mental block. I can remember only until I placed my katra with McCoy - the rest is a blank. I - cannot - remember!" Spock suddenly stood, the anguish he was so desperately trying to control on his angular face intensified by the silver moonlight filtering through the window. In two strides, Spock was standing over Kirk, his right hand extending, fingers in the meld position. "I must - have your thoughts, Captain!"
Spock's alienness again assailed Kirk's senses as he stood up, alarmed at the desperation on Spock's haggard features. Kirk backed away, but Spock moved towards him again, hand extended. Was he going to force the meld? "Spock! What are you doing? Don't!"
Spock suddenly froze, his hand centimetres from Kirk's face. What was he doing? He felt a wave of revulsion wash over him and he withdrew his hand as though an electric shock had stung him. "I am sorry, Captain, I cannot explain, I - cannot - control ..." He turned his back, his hands visibly trembling as he forced willpower to triumph over instinct. What he had almost done was unheard of - Vulcans shun mental contact unless utterly necessary. But something was forcing him ...
Then Kirk realised - if he did not allow the meld with Spock, the Vulcan may well lose his reason. An insane, violent Spock was not to be contemplated. For Spock, it was utterly necessary.
Kirk stopped retreating. "Shall we sit down?" he invited. Spock turned, scowling, then he hesitantly sat. Kirk removed the coffee table in order that they could sit closely, facing one another, then composed himself. "Go ahead, Spock - meld with me." Without another word, Spock composed himself and placed his trembling fingers on Kirk's face in the meld position. *My mind to your mind ... my thoughts to your thoughts.* Spock's mindvoice sounded deep within his brain as Kirk felt the familiar warmth of Spock's touch, then flinched as electricity tingled across his scalp as the meld was established and Spock's deeply troubled spirit entered his mind. Spock learned again the forgotten, yet somehow familiar, pathways through Kirk's vibrant, dynamic brain and was calmed. He became aware of Kirk's initial fear, then was surprised, as Kirk relaxed, at the feeling of intense pleasure emanating from his mind at the institution of the meld. *I had thought - our minds would never meet like this again, my friend.* thought Kirk. Then Kirk felt his own persona being assimilated into that of Spock - he felt Spock's confusion, frustration, the need to know, burning within him.
Slowly, gently, their minds became one and, with the mental stimulation of the full meld, unused synapses in Spock's new brain formed and connected, the reaction triggered by the close empathy they had had with one another during Spock's first life. It happened slowly at first, as Spock's dormant katra memory reawakened, creating in his brain shadows of memories, once-familiar voices and scenes. Then, like an exploding nova, as the cells in Spock's mighty brain grew and sparked into action, all the memories of his previous existence flooded back; back to his childhood on Vulcan, of the ceaseless taunting of his youthful peers as the echo of their voices sounded in his brain - "Half-breed! Half-breed!" and the suppression of emotion that from his mother alone he could not hide; of the rift between his father and himself as he chose his own way in life, then the camaraderie of the five-year mission; the burning call of ponn-farr; of the dawning of mutual respect and the warmth of friendship with Kirk, of the mental empathy, the touch on an arm, a meaningful glance, the constant awareness of each other's existence. Instead of being told by his Vulcan tutors about his past life's history, now, at last, he could remember for himself! But there was something missing - a memory - just beyond reach, which Kirk had buried and locked away deep in his subconscious; something intimately precious and vitally important, that meant more to him than anything else in the galaxy but that had been lost, creating an empty, lonely void within him. Gently but firmly Spock probed to release the recollection, and Kirk's untrained mind reluctantly yielded the final, elusive part to the jigsaw puzzle of Spock's previous existence. T'hy'la! The recollection of the memory flooded through Spock's searching brain. We were T'hy'la! Now, at last, I remember!
Then, from Kirk's memory alone, came his incomprehension when Spock, after Kirk's promotion to Admiral, suddenly and without explanation left Starfleet and returned to Vulcan to take the Kolinahr. *You left me, Spock, and you never told me why.*
*There was then no place for me in your life, Jim. We were a team, but it was you who left me behind when you became an Admiral. You had forsaken your first, best destiny, of being the best Starship Captain Starfleet has ever had. My desire was to serve with you in Space. Without you as my Captain, I no longer wished to serve in Starfleet. Therefore, I left, and sought my future elsewhere.*
*I was lost without you, Spock. You'll never know how often I'd turn to speak to you, and you weren't there. I need you beside me.*
Acceptance suffused their joined minds. *I shall endeavour never to leave you again, Jim.*
Then Kirk channelled his thoughts to his own images of Spock's last moments, but Spock shied away, abruptly breaking the meld. "No, Spock, you must endure this." Kirk reached out and pressed Spock's hand tightly to his face. As Spock reluctantly, apprehensively, re-established the meld, Kirk forced the painful memories back into the forefront of his mind, the words, which he had played back so often and so painfully in his own memory, appearing as the reality of now within their melded mind.
His first sight of Spock, slumped and weak, on the deck; "He'll die!"
"Sir, he's dead already!" came Scotty's burr.
"It's too late!" was McCoy's dreaded confirmation of the inevitable.
Then Spock's monumental effort to get onto his feet again as Kirk called to him, his stumbling walk across the radiation-filled chamber till, blind, he bumped against the plexiglass.
"The ship - out of danger?" Spock's tortured voice.
"Yes." Kirk's anguished features as he sees the skin visibly peeling from Spock's horribly burned face and hands.
"I never took ... the Kobayashi Maru Test ... until now. What do think of ... my solution?"
"Spock?!"
"Don't grieve, Admiral, it's logical - the needs of the many ... outweigh ..." Waves of burning pain engulf him.
"The needs of the few ..."
"Or the one." Fading strength, despite all willpower, forces him to his knees as breathing becomes more difficult.
"I have been, and always shall be - your friend!" The Vulcan salute through the glass, which Kirk can only imitate - he cannot touch. "Live long - and prosper!" A crescendo of pain engulfs him. His heart - stopping. His breathing - stopping. His consciousness - slipping away - into - darkness ...
The first moments of Kirk without Spock - the terrible, numbing reality of a loss no words can describe. The loss of the T'hy'la bond.
In the depths of the meld, Spock became aware of wetness on his fingers, and on his own cheeks. With a shock he/they realised that he/they were weeping.
*Weep no more, Jim. All is well, now. I have total recall and am one with myself. I will not leave you again.* An all-embracing feeling of joy suffused their melded minds as Spock, with Kirk's consent, reinstated the T'hy'la bond. Then gradually, gently, the final integration of his former personality complete, Spock withdrew direct contact from Kirk's mind.
---oo0oo---
They sat in silence for a while in the darkened room, a numbing exhaustion overwhelming both of them. Then, slowly, they gathered their individual thoughts together, as Kirk wiped the tears from his face.
"I am sorry I caused you so much grief, Jim." Spock's deep voice was gentler now, less formal.
"it is human to grieve, Spock. But that time is over. Tomorrow, we have a new beginning."
"Indeed. If you will excuse me, I wish to retire to my own room to assimilate and contemplate the regained knowledge of my previous existence. For that I am forever indebted to you, Jim."
"As I've said before, you would have done the same for me."
Spock nodded and entered his own apartment, softly closing the door behind him.
Still exhausted from the meld, Kirk quickly surrendered to sleep, a smile of contentment and happiness on his face.
---oo0oo---
The next morning McCoy, Scotty, Uhura, Sulu and Chekov awaited the arrival of their Captain and First Officer in the Officers' Mess, as Kirk and Spock both had to collect new uniforms before reporting for duty. Scotty was sitting, head in hands, nursing an enormous hangover. "Ah nevur shoulda tried that Medusan Slinger." he groaned. "Now ah know why it got its name - ah feel like ah've got snakes crawlin' all over my heid!"
"Allow me to give you the perfect antidote, Scotty!" smiled McCoy malevolently. "Here comes your Captain and your favourite Vulcan!"
Scotty hauled himself to his feet, swaying slightly, as Kirk and Spock strode towards them. McCoy eyed the Vulcan warily, recalled his sudden departure from their company the night before. Was it his imagination, or was Spock moving in a more relaxed manner, his face less strained? McCoy's piercing blue eyes also studied Kirk who, resplendent in his new Captain's uniform, looked years younger and much happier than he had done in many months.
"Well, lady and gentlemen, I believe a shuttle awaits us to take us to my new command." said Kirk briskly as they met.
Deciding to immediately confirm his observations, McCoy took an aggressive standpoint. "Now waaait a minute, Jim-boy." He gripped Kirk's arm. "Are you sure that pointy-eared goblin is fit for duty?"
Kirk and Spock exchanged glances then Spock, hands behind his back, fixed McCoy with an alien stare. "I can assure you, Doctor, that my cerebral functions have now fully integrated with my katra, thus enabling me to have total recall of my previous body's existence. Or, to put it more colloquially, I have regained all my marbles. But, if you would care to examine me for yourself ..." Spock reached towards McCoy, fingers extended threateningly in the meld position.
"Uh, no, no. I've had a bellyful of that, thank you. I don't wanna land up in the Federation Funny Farm again - I'll take your word for it." said McCoy as he retreated rapidly behind Kirk for physical protection.
The group, including Kirk, tried unsuccessfully to suppress a chuckle of amusement. Spock was obviously back to his old self, enjoying himself at McCoy's expense. Kirk suddenly had an idea. "I think, Spock, there's a simple way to confirm your return to full mental fitness. Mr Scott - ship's security code 1, please."
"Uh, oh, aye. Mistur Spock - Queen to queen's level three."
"Queen to king's level one, Mr Scott." replied Spock, without hesitation.
"Satisfied, Bones?"
"Oh, yeah, his Vulcan re-training could never have given him that information! Welcome back, you green-blooded, pointy-eared goblin!" McCoy's smile was genuine as the happy and relieved group clustered around their Vulcan friend.
Although Spock kept his face deadpan, Kirk could see a look of tolerant amusement making Spock's dark eyes sparkle.
Suddenly businesslike, Kirk steered his crew towards the waiting shuttle departure gate, saying "Come on, then, let's go see our new garbage scow!"
---oo0oo---